A Moment's Truth

Pursuing Life through Fear

My Dear Lovelians & Lifers,

Something happened when I accepted the invitation to discover the beauty of mundane joy. A mental roadblock I didn’t know existed dissolved, and I thought I’d try again and submit another job application, putting my own business dreams to the side for the time being. They called me for an interview two hours later. Surprise put ecstasy on hold for a beat. Did what just happened really happen?

This felt like a whole new level of success. The kind where I did nothing but say yes, I believe You. I didn’t get the chance to send a follow-up email a few days later nor introduce myself in person. I had no idea how much I needed this confirmation that I was on the right track.

I experienced something similar last year. At the peak of my newfound confidence from unravelling unhealthy mindsets and embracing Truth, Life triggered an avalanche of sorts that swept me away, my new mind vehemently attacked by a fear I couldn’t explain. It sneered at my sword and laughed at my armor. I thought I was ready this time.

Original image credit to Timothy Eberly

It put me through my paces, and I quickly realized I was still outmatched. I parried and blocked as best I could throughout the day by repeating back to myself the truth I’d come to know, but fear’s strokes were so heavy I received bruises and cuts with every blow. After all this time, I was still so afraid despite so much healing, which made the truth I told myself hard to believe. Would fear destroy all God has in store for me? Will it inevitably disqualify me from any kind of purpose outside my own home?

Another blow fell and I blocked as best as I knew how. I held us in that position for a moment, practically nose to nose. I knew fear was lying to me. I also knew I did not yet possess the capability to beat it altogether. I realized then that this fight wasn’t about winning. So why? What was I to learn? Fear reminded me of the lies I‘d believed were true for so long and, therefore, was still sensitive to.

Lies! I cried.

Fear just grinned and repeated itself.

Lies! I pushed back.

Then what’s the truth! A beloved television character yelled from my memory. For this moment, right here!

I let go of the need to think of something that would defeat fear for good; it wasn’t time for that yet. The truth about this moment is I am ready for what God has for me not because I am able to defeat my enemy but because I accepted His invitation to discover joy in the mundane. Because I am determined to serve others in a way I wasn’t before.

Confidence alone does not qualify, as it is so easily misplaced or dashed. Taking Him at His word makes me ready to move forward, not the power I possess to conquer the fear that bullies me. Therefore, fear’s ‘no’ has no power when Jesus says ‘yes’ unless I believe it, which, funnily enough, is a victory unto itself.

The blows raining down on me weren’t so heavy anymore, but they didn’t stop until I admitted to trusted people in my life what was going on. If there’s one thing bullies hate, it’s an audience of people willing to fight back, even if it’s just two or three. While I’m not quite my normal self, I am getting there.

Pursuing a full life has been the hardest undertaking I’ve, well, undertook. It involves rocking the boat and facing a lot of weaknesses and hard truths I’d rather not look at or admit to. But if the other side is where unshakable peace and joy are found...so be it.

Stay Curious,

Olivia

P.S. Ah, a good word picture just enlivens a story does it not? What occurred in reality mostly consisted of hugs, tears, driving to quiet places, and writing. So so much writing. What can I say? It’s what I do.