Can I Just Be First?

My Answer to That Well-Meaning (But Annoying) College Question

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My Dear Lovelians,

If the word Be in the title isn't italicized, the entire message of this letter changes drastically and not in a good way. I promise I’m not a narcissist. If I was, I can assure you my sisters would alert me to the fact. I now take a bow because I finally have an answer to that annoying question high schoolers receive nearing graduation, the question that plays on a continual loop in the back of our mind all throughout college. Oh yes, I am referring to the What do you want to do? question, which includes its twin, What are you going to do?, and its older sibling, What do you want to be?; the types of questions that make young adults pee themselves in fright. Forgive me for answering this question with another question: Can I just be first?

It’s funny, I have finally discovered my answer to this question, and I am not even in school anymore. Drat. Well, now I suppose I can apply this newfound understanding to the workforce. I know, it’s a weird thing to say, and I am honestly not sure if I will be able to explain it clearly. But I will try, so here I go. Wish me luck. Unravelling my thoughts can be a knitter’s worst nightmare at times.

I first had an inkling of this idea from being down with an illness this past week. It wasn’t an intense sickness, thank goodness, but enough to keep me horizontal for about four days. Friday evening, while laying back on my pillows, I remember this feeling of utter contentment. The season had shifted to early spring, so the sun stayed shining past dinner, and as I rested in the warmth arraying my bed and soft breeze blowing through my open window, I realized I had forgotten. Laughter trickled under my closed door, and I chuckled with them as my sisters took turns mimicking an odd song on the radio in gross exaggeration. I had forgotten how to just be, to exist in a moment without formulating an opinion or speaking my mind simply because the urge hit me to do so. I listened; I laughed; I experienced. This should be a slogan for something. But get this, because I was tucked away in my room, I didn’t have the opportunity to do either of them. I mean, why form an opinion when there is no one around to share it with, right? So I didn’t bother.

The notion finally settled on me that being is the answer to what I want my future to look like while reading the last quarter of Bob Goff’s book Undistracted. While the man definitely knows how to do, he knows how to be better. How does he be? He loves; he encourages; he invites. Yes, I am aware of the technicality of these action words, but let us put aside the Smart Alec for a moment. What Bob Goff does based on how he bes looks like fighting for justice as an attorney, buying land to preserve and build upon, launching projectiles into space, and sitting in a rowboat with his kids in between two pirate ships reenacting a naval battle on the lake behind his house. Clear as mud? Yeah, I get it. I don’t have the full picture yet either. All I know right now moving forward is I want what I do next to help me be better. Based on my own personal experience, this looks like a lot less thinking and speaking and looking for what’s next to enjoying the moment I am in right now. Honestly, I think this is what I have been trying to put my finger on for a while now. I can tell because I touched on it in both Good Riddance Inconvenience and The Power of Mental Presence; though, at the time, I couldn't really be sure what it was I was really trying to get at. I was still wrapped up in purely doing.

A real-life example: My family and I were playing a simple game of cards the other night when my mom turned on some music, one of dad’s playlists of old songs we grew up listening to. We started losing track of turns because we paid more attention to the music rather than the game, and no one complained or got angry. We all sat in the living room lip syncing and dancing long after the game ended. Sounds like the life, right? Well, that’s because it is.

The American Dream tricks poor souls into believing providing more stuff for your loved ones leads to this kind of life. It doesn’t. It leads to burnout. I know jobs are important, and I am not encouraging sitting cross-legged under a tree (Ohm) doing nothing for the rest of your life. I mean, this can be part of your life if you really want to. A healthy dose of meditation is good for the soul. But being and doing nothing are two very different things. One leads to the right kind of action, the other has no intention of doing anything ever. I just mean purely doing should never take precedence over being. In fact, I do better when I be first. This is how I know when and where to set personal boundaries. Still clear as mud? I tried. Maybe the concept will clear itself up over time. Until then…

Stay Curious,

Olivia

P.S. I devoured Anne Rice’s duology on the early life of Jesus mentioned in the last letter, Uncomplicate It: Friends, Books, and Enjoying the Simple Life. Beautiful. So creative and reverent; absolutely masterfully done. She made my Jesus touchable and real to me on par with the Chosen television series. Four stars. Definitely.