So I Said ‘No’ to A Salesman…

Goals, Growing & Standing Your Ground

My Dear Lovelians & Lifers,

I feel great right now; let me tell you why…

For those of you who have been following along for some time now (or you know me personally), you may have gathered that I like to move. I love knowing I’m on my way to accomplishing a goal, whether this be healing, personal growth, or even a vision for the future. This is incredibly ironic in and of itself because I do not typically define myself as an ambitious person. I don’t have lofty goals for climbing the ladders of society. I don’t dream of owning my own firm or being CEO of anything. But I do have dreams. And whether or not the need to constantly move should be labelled as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, this knowledge about myself teaches me how to interact with my emotions and psyche.

For a while now, I have pushed myself to find motivation to accomplish my goal of leaving the nest, but it felt like pulling out hairs one by one. For some inexplicable reason, this vision of my own apartment alone just won’t invigorate me the way I want, regardless of how much my dignity whines that I’m not a real adult, which is a whole nother discussion unto itself that I don’t want to get into right now. Anyway, it’s been infuriating.

Then I had an interesting chat with a salesman. He opened my eyes to a career route I hadn’t considered before, and I found myself desperately wanting it. I felt like I’d landed on Cloud Nine. Finally, after so much time trying to move a seemingly immoveable rock, I had found a way around it. The idea fit me so well too in an out-of-the-box sense that was more suited to my preferred lifestyle. Training cost an arm and a leg, but I didn’t care… and, I admit, this aspect concerned me. How was I supposed to wisely weigh the risk and return value if I couldn’t bring myself to think rationally? So I prayed for wisdom.

The next day, my mom made some suggestions concerning this course of action I was seriously considering. She reminded me how finding my own place within this next year or so is a goal of mine and pursuing this venture as an alternate career path just didn’t seem to align. As the training would take several months, it might set me back further than I’d be comfortable with in the end.

I am not averse to risk when I believe it to be worth the cost. And though I felt slightly resentful at first for being pulled back down to earth, I breathed a sigh of relief. The choice was still mine, and now I was in my right mind to make a rational decision.

One of the questions I find myself consistently asking God is can I be a dreamer and be sensible? The two don’t sound like they go together. Or can’t or shouldn’t. Whatever the case, I know I have dreamer tendencies. Some things I fully believe are worth deep diving into even without all the meticulous planning. However, I have no desire to be wasteful or strain myself too hard when it can be avoided. The importance of timing also occurred to me. Saying no now didn’t mean forever. I still believe in the career path and the program as the most efficient means to arrive at my goal, but no matter how many financial plans he presented, my answer was still not yet.

I stuttered. A lot. It felt so foolish to decline, but I stood my ground. The more he pushed, the more uncomfortable I felt. I trusted that feeling. If I was going to invest in any venture, it was going to be on my terms. By the end of the call, I was sweating but satisfied. A plan began forming in my mind. I would continue pursuing this avenue, maybe even eventually through this program, but I recognized the necessity of focusing on other aspects of life first.

Throughout this experience with the salesman, I realized two things about myself. One, I will always be a dreamer. It’s part of who I am to believe in living a life outside of the ordinary. And take risks that look foolish to some. There’s a fine, blurry line between faith and foolishness when it comes to risk. So, if I am going to potentially set my world on fire, I need to at least do it sensibly with the right matches (while praying to God for rain in case it gets out of control).

Original image credit to K B

Second, I need a moving goal. Leaving my parents’ nest is a milestone, one I am ready for. However, rocks don’t move. I lacked real motivation to achieve this goal because I looked into my future and saw stagnant water. I dread the image of “now what?”. I need to pass this milestone on a moving train. It doesn’t have to be a fast train. Heavens, I’d much prefer it if it wasn’t. But this program offered me what I didn’t realize I needed to propel myself forwards---- a ticket.

So now, I don’t know exactly what my future looks like, which I actually kind of like (unknowns are good for the ego), but there’s a little fire burning in me that wasn’t there before. I look forward to the day when it’s time finally comes.

Stay Curious,

Olivia

P.S. I repurposed some thirteen or so bitty notebooks I saved from a church conference and turned them into two leather bound journals. Not sure what to do with them now.