Thankless Praise
- Olivia.DOW
- Sep 11, 2022
- 7 min read
Finding Rest When Gratitude Feels Distant
My Dear Lovelians and Lifers,
Today I write to you from a small, ornately designed coffee table underneath the boughs of two ancient magnolia trees. Beside my red notebook, an iced peach-green tea drips condensation on my knees, and fall has finally woven its chill into the late summer breeze. Hee, I rhymed. Sweater-weather is on the horizon, friends! With so much change in the air, I cannot help but introspect. I know, surprise surprise. But so much of me has changed even within recent weeks. I am honestly so grateful for paced realizations; otherwise, it would just be piled-up knowledge. And knowledge is not a synonym of growth but its precursor. At least, that is the hope, taking these newfound understandings and allowing them to change me bit by bit.
It’s no secret I’ve been stuck in a bit of a twenties, I-don’t-know-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life funk. This on top of dealing with a number of recent hardships left me downright unhappy. I am not necessarily talking about melancholy. As strange as it sounds, I have been joyfully sad and peacefully afraid. ‘Tis the oxymoron life that brands my walk with Papa God so it would seem. I am more referring to an absence of underlying peace and joy to move me forward instead of feeling stuck in a rut. I do feel like I need to pause and mention that this came about as a result of unforeseen life occurrences and not the decision of one person, or persons. In other words, it would be inappropriate to place blame on any one or two individuals. When I think about it, which I have, a lot. Situations like these, uncomfortable though they may be, are actually essential to growth as a human being, especially one such as myself who believes God is good despite my circumstances being less than ideal. Confident peace during personal difficulties shows that I believe someone else holds my future even when life is seemingly spinning out of my own control.
While I do believe part of living is experiencing sadness and processing grief in its many forms, I wrestled with the length of time I felt this way. I tried every possible action to climb out of this metaphoric pit of sorts----talking to someone, enjoying the beautiful outdoors, being artsy, listening to uplifting music, listening to sad music, watching my favorite tv shows, crying. Still nothing; no lasting change. This went on for longer than I care to admit. It got to the point where I just got plain sick of feeling sad, and I normally do not have a problem with this emotion. So many things in my life were changing, not all of them bad, but you know change. The human heart just cannot take too much of it at once.
A couple weeks ago, I sat on my floor surrounded by books and miscellaneous items from the boxes I had finally begun unpacking. As I reached inside another box, something occurred to me, rather casually I might add, not exactly what you might expect a revelation bomb from Heaven to feel like. I thought, How long had it been since I praised Him? I know, a little Christian-ese, so bear with me. By this, I am not referring simply to gratitude. Call me fickle and ungrateful, but the words caught in my throat every time my mouth tried to formulate thank you. Praise and gratitude are not one in the same. Gratitude begins with praise. I have often interchanged them in the past when feeling particularly happy, but because I am categorically an eternal optimist, it has, well…it’s been awhile since I’ve needed to acknowledge the difference.
According to Google, praise by definition means “expressing approval or admiration.” Synonyms include applauding, cheering, and complimenting, among many other much fancier words. Fun definition fact: according to the word’s Middle English origins, it means “to set a price on or attach value to, to prize. Mmkay, nerd moment over. But you see what I’m getting at here. In the religious context, for those who do not speak fluent Christian-ese, praise is the declaration of the character of God, who He is at the core of His being. While gratitude may feel impossible, praise is not, though still difficult. Praise looks up, above any unpleasantness I may be experiencing, and balances submission to the hard truth of You are God while I am not with and yet You choose to love me anyway more than I could ever love myself. By Google’s definition, I “prize” Him because I trust Him. After sixteen years of walking through life with Him, I have experienced the Good Father, the Avenger, the Faithful Friend, and the Counselor (to name a few) and seen Him do the impossible. Ever seen a person changed from the inside out until they are unrecognizably different in all the best ways? I have.
This is why rest is absolutely necessary for someone such as myself who claims Him as Friend and the CEO of my life. Because of the fickle nature of the human heart, I need to be reminded and rest in the assurance of who the Bible reveals Him to be and that He will bring me through to the other side of whatever hardship I experience. Thankfully, there are many ways to praise. My heart connects with music, so I listen to music with beautiful lyrics that come straight out of the Bible. Phillips, Craig, and Dean is my favorite artist when it comes to fulfilling this particular desire. Their music inspires awe with the wonder of God unrelated to circumstances, for the most part. Their songs consist of classics like “Great I AM,” “In Christ Alone,” “Speechless,” “Mercy Came Running,” “When God Ran,” and so many more. Their 2022 versions of “You Are God Alone,” “Revelation Song,” and “Great I AM” from their 30th Anniversary Collection are *chef’s kiss* magnifique.
So, without further ado, I popped on my headphones, flicked on my PCD playlist, and sang along. Then I stuck my hand back in the box to continue unpacking…yeah, no. I realized very quickly this needed front and center attention. Background noise just wouldn’t cut it. I closed my door, sat on the carpet beside my bed, and began to sing as loudly and earnestly as I could, off key mind you because this particular artist does not sing in my vocal range. I sang whatever played, including duplicates. I guess I needed to sing “Open the Eyes of My Heart” twice. I focused on acknowledging the truth behind the words, the why behind my faith. I sang on behalf of myself, my family, and over our new house. I do not remember how long I stayed there, but I remember the shift and sweet sweet relief that flooded through me, like I could breathe properly again. I didn’t want to stop, so I kept on singing.
I have experienced much discouragement and loneliness in my twenties, especially recently as an unfortunate and often inevitable result of moving to a new state. I have also grieved much, not just wet-blanket circumstances but also the death of childhood expectations of what I thought life would be. Do not misunderstand. The child in me has not ceased to exist. I still chase butterflies and drive with one hand stuck out the window riding the wind- waves; mountains and sunsets still awe me to tears; and I still whole-heartedly believe in soul friendships apart from romance, though I believe in that too. Chivalry ain’t dead in this heart! I have simply come to terms with life as it is and am beginning to formulate new dreams based in reality instead of ignorant wishful thinking. It is *sigh* part of the growing-up process.
After my praise session, my problems remained unchanged. But I left my bedroom completely different. I no longer felt the heavy oppression my circumstances dropped on my shoulders. When something new arose, it did not add any extra weight because I shrugged it off. I acknowledged the problem but also understood it would get fixed eventually. I have also come to understand my soul needs the rest that intentional praise brings like my body craves water. Praise is not a one-time fix, nor is it the solution to every problem. But the heaviness of life will return once more if the human soul does not take time to regularly and, again, intentionally rest in the security of the character of God praise reminds me of. I speak from experience. I need to be reminded that even though I falter in my faith, blame Him for my mess, and demand life be made easier, He remains my solid rock, the foundation I can trust to build my life upon. He plans the end result, who I will become, and delights in joining me on the journey to get there, through all the twists and turns.
Just the other night, I could feel the heaviness turning my heart back to sadness. I sat on the floor, opened my window a tiny crack, and listened to the rain patter the ground and maple leaves. The warm, moist air smelled fresh and earthy. I closed my eyes and prayed for comfort. In that moment, memory became my friend. I heard the whistled tune from a character of my favorite childhood movie, a film so light and full of heartwarming characters my spirits lifted. I saw old Instagram reels of people bungee-jumping off cliffs and imagined what it might be like to feel the rush of reckless freedom in adrenaline and wind as I plummeted between to gorgeous cliffs. People became eagles from Planet Earth, and I watched them soar from one awestriking peak to another with nothing else around but thin, crisp mountain air and open sky…
Come to Me
All who are weary and burdened,
And I shall give you rest.
-Jesus
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