On Pursuing Life One Step at a Time
Alright, so I’ve been pretty lazy recently, but you know, summer’s been rather interesting so far. I did go on that camping trip I mentioned. What an experience! I feel like I’ve unlocked the nomad in me. I put my hair up in my headscarf to protect it from heat and humidity and enjoyed the all-encompassing outdoors. There’s nothing quite like total emersion in nature. Yes, it was a campsite with niceties. Baby steps people; I’ve never done this before. It was total emersion as I’ve never experienced before. I still considered it thrilling. Nothing between me and the wild but a thin piece of fabric. I laid awake at night staring at the trees towering above me and listening to the euphony of rustling leaves mimicking the sound of falling water.
But…I will admit, I did not get to experience this trip as fully as I wanted. I came prepared with my tent, a sleeping bag, and cooler full of essentials, slept under the stars, and learned how to start a campfire with lint. Here-in lay the problem. The overwhelming bombardment of new sort of mentally paralyzed me a bit. I wasn’t as mentally present as I wanted to be. I still had a good time and enjoyed good conversation, but, needless to say, I returned home a bit disappointed my experience did not match my vision. But (another but), if someone told me last year how I would be starting my summer this year, I wouldn’t have believed them and/or panicked at the thought. So the fact that I was able to enjoy my couple days on the campsite -- despite my waterlogged tent because I attached the rain guard incorrectly -- with only a minor case of brain fog shows how far I have come in my desire to live life as fully as possible. Do you know what that’s called? HEALING.
It's…amazing…actually. Slow-going. But I have the best support system I could ever hope for. Honestly, I don’t think I could ask for better. So patient and kind, allowing me time to figure this out with some help. They also hold me accountable. They allow me to be weak and set my own limits so long as they witness my trying, which means I don’t hide from every difficult situation I encounter. I give them evidence of growth; they in turn endure my weakness with compassion.
Annoying isn’t it, how the human mind tends to downplay growth and maximize focus on disappointment. If anything, this experience should strengthen my resolve with definitive proof my dedication to living the abundant life Jesus speaks of is paying off. I want life, abundant life, and I won’t be content with anything less.
Note: the song “Good Intentions” by MIRANDA is the perfect representation of my dance with anxiety. It’s haunting but oh so accurate. Then go listen to “It’s All True” on the same album for contrast and just to feel better.
I want to laugh with my friends, fully present and fully aware of His presence in the beauty around me. I always feel closer to God when I’m under trees, and I believe this vision is attainable. Simple. Not too detailed or rose-tinted. I love making a home wherever I am.
That’s nice. Good for you.
Hold on. My dear Lifer, before you peace out in thinking the life I want is too much for where you may be right now, I will remind you of where I come from ---- “When the Glue Won’t Hold” in particular comes to mind and “When Life Takes an Unexpected Turn” for another. There are many many more letters I’ve posted in the two years (almost three now) since I started this blog. What began as a documentary of sorts on the simple beauty of life soon evolved into a much grander story.
You see, the thing about healing that trips up many people is you have to want it and do whatever it takes to get it. To clarify, “life” as laid out in the Bible by knowing Him and understanding His heart for humanity and the joy and peace and laughter and strength by which He desires us to live. This is not a promotion of immoral conduct. I am hoping that is a given at this point, but it can’t hurt to mention.
Just like Daniel determined in his heart to follow God in his crooked culture, I must determine in my heart and mind to do what it takes to heal in order to live. The road has been long and, undoubtedly, humbling.
But I’ve never felt stronger.
Ironic isn’t it? How the stigma around certain supports implores you to assume admitting weakness means you’ll stay there. When the reality is they equip you with the tools necessary to be your best, brightest, and strongest self. I tried going it alone for about a decade. I possess my mother’s resilience and, at the time, enough hubris for a self-sustaining hot air mobile home. And I suffered for it. The people closest to me suffered as well. Two of the greatest lies anyone can believe about struggling with mental health is Only I am affected and This is who I am and how life will always be. I shiver at this one. The scariest thoughts ever to cross my mind came after this particular one as I realized I was losing my grip on ‘normal’. I have never run home so fast in my life. That very night I confessed to those closest to me everything I currently struggled with and tried to hide for about a decade. I’ve been on the mend ever since. I have set non-negotiable lines (“determined” if you will) that will never be crossed no matter the circumstance; therefore, the only place to go is forward. One step at a time. That was four years ago.
I’ve often wished and prayed and cried for a faster pace, but I am a sensitive person and need the gentleness of processing time a slow meander gives. He knows far more than I, and, like a good parent, He told me no every time I pleaded for immediacy.
Do whatever it takes. One step at a time. For however long it takes.
Oh, and keep track of your progress to look back on when you’re feeling low. Trust me, it helps.
Until next time,
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